Think seeing Harriet at the party went really well. Feeling quite confident, I approached her after a couple of hours of being near her, looking quizzically at things in her vicinity and one bolder gambit where I tried to open the door whilst she was in the bathroom just in case it could have been a funny story we'd tell our grandchildren, sort of thing.
But then, around 11pm, the conversation happened.
I've already thought a lot about the first biopic of my life. This conversation would come about a third of the way through, when portentous references to my tragically early death have yet to be seeded. All is confidence, lightness and golden joy - though there is a sadness in my eyes which makes the audience sympathetic but also sort of impressed I guess.
I've made a draft of the scene, to help future negotiations with Dreamworks. Obviously I've had to "Hollywood" it up a little.
---"WILL TO POWER", SCENE 7---
INT [film for 'in a room']. EVENING. A party of sixth-formers. The braying of 'indie' rock music pierced occasionally by that promotional message from Spotify.
WILL approaches the drinks table, next to which stands HARRIET (looking attractive but not as attractive as the actresses that play future lovers). She definitely notices him first, he's basically not bothered by her.
HARRIET: Hi Will how are you enjoying this party? Given that I was invited after you were invited I justifiably feel less comfortable here socially.
WILL: The only thing worse than being invited to a party is not being invited to a party.
Harriet throws her head back and laughs, but then realises what Will said was not only witty but also thoughtful so she suddenly looks down at the ground, trying to ponder the deeper meaning (but failing).
Will throws an M&M up into the sky and catches it in his mouth but doesn't even really reference doing it.
WILL: Last time I saw you was in debate club. Changed your mind about the Elgin Marbles?
The air is suddenly sexual.
HARRIET (steamy): Why do you have to bring that up?
WILL: I feel like it's the elephant in the room. Which is also what I call my penis.
[Note to Dreamworks: I'm not married to the penis line, I guess we can discuss what rating we're going for, I know in the Indian and Chinese market (growing sources of revenue) getting a 13 rating is best practice, but I'm genuinely happy to go with you guys' gut instinct on this one].
CHRIS, a quite wet-seeming boy in bad trousers, comes over to Harriet and mutters inarticulately about the lift home he's going to give her.
HARRIET: See you, Will.
WILL: I'm fine with you returning to your home, given that you've not become a source of educational value at the British Museum and your original ownership is not in dispute.
Harriet, who probably heard this and was wounded by it, leaves.
---
I want 4% of global merchandise revenue and an executive producer credit.
Wanks: 1 (post-party, not my finest hour...literally, an hour - I get this thing when I'm drunk where I can be rock solid but it's like milking jizz from a stone).
